Valco Nordell Max – the speaker that will finally make your neighbours hate you
We've finally finished something that is almost as big and loud as our own ego: Nordell Max. It's the speaker for you if background music just doesn't cut it and you want the whole neighbourhood to know what you're listening to.
We at Valco spent a long time wondering whether the world really needs yet another huge phone-controlled noise machine. The answer was clear: not necessarily, but we needed money for new sports cars and the Death Star foundation, so we made this so good that you almost have to buy it.
Why is Nordell Max better than the competition's plastic tubs?
• Sound you can feel: Jasse Kesti, that reclusive genius of the sonic world, has tuned this speaker. It doesn't just make noise – it reproduces music in a way that makes chest hair grow, even on women. There's enough power to host a small village party or trigger one apartment-block noise-complainer's total meltdown.
• Battery that outlasts your party: You can play music for hours on end. You'll probably run out of energy or party guests before this runs out of power. And if your phone dies mid-session, you can charge it directly from the speaker.
• Withstands life (and a little water): Nordell Max is protected against water. That doesn't mean you should take it ice swimming, but it handles rain showers, spilled beers, and those tears you shed when you realise how much money you've blown on this one too.
• Light show (if that's your thing): It has flashing lights. We find them a bit tasteless, but the marketing department (meaning the two of us and the office dog) said the kids love them. Luckily you can turn them off if you want to preserve at least a shred of your dignity.
Straight talk about quality
This speaker is big, it's heavy, and it's built to last. It's not some refined design object you put a cactus on – it's a tool for having fun.
Fund our dreams
When you buy a Nordell Max, you're not just buying a speaker. You're funding the dreams of 14 Finnish men and women of galactic domination. Every euro goes directly (after taxes, damn it) towards the Death Star, beer, and perhaps some child support payments that some of us would rather not discuss publicly.
So buy the Nordell Max. It's the best racket you'll ever be able to afford.
